2019 Came in Like A Wrecking Ball.
Yes, you read right, this is 2019 “the remix”. April 1st was yesterday and I decided I need to start my year all over again. When I say 2019 came in like a wrecking ball, I am not lying. It has been one thing after another. As you may or may not know I am a fulltime government employee and therefore was adversely affected by the government furlough that began December 22, 2018, and did not end until 5 weeks later, so January was definitely a tough month. In the midst of not getting a check my 35th birthday trip to Africa was completely derailed by the death of the other party’s grandmother. Not long after that my dear uncle passed and then 3 weeks after that I decided to end my toxic relationship and my dear friend was murdered. Oh, might I add, my so-called “best friendship” ended after not seeing eye to eye about how the Africa trip should have been handled in relation to her grandmother’s death, but that is another story for another day.
As a result of all the things going on in my life, depression began to creep in subtly and before I knew it, I could barely get out of the bed in the mornings due to not sleeping at night. I was dealing with feelings of being misunderstood, lonely, betrayed, unappreciated, and undervalued. I began to question myself. Who am I? I couldn’t even look in the mirror some days because life had beaten me down so and even the days that I did look in the mirror, I did not recognize myself. Where had that beautiful, spunky, go-getter gone? I had become blah. I had fallen prey to all that was happening around me. It sucked me completely dry. I had no motivation, no amount of advice could soothe my broken heart, and praying was a tremendous struggle. My writing suffered tremendously, which is why you all haven’t heard from me. I was struggling to stay on my healthy eating plan and exercising. I was a mess to say to least.
Hitting Rock Bottom
I had hit my version of damn near rock bottom, but I knew I could not stay there. Day by day I began to pull myself out of the gutter and reaffirm my worth and my purpose. I called and scheduled an appointment with my therapist. Between therapy, the prayers of my mother, and encouragement from close confidants I began to pull through that dismal dark place I was in. I began to regain composure of my emotions and get refocused on my goals. I said to myself what do you want? The answer was simple I want to love me more so that I do not end up in situations that land me holding the short end of the stick. I want to get control of my emotions and not allow my emotions to have control over me. I want to always know who I am and never lose sight of my worth simply because someone mistreats or seemingly discards me. I want to always allow myself to emote and heal in the time that it takes knowing that healing is a process. So, how do I plan to do that?
Picking Up the Pieces
Here are the conscious decisions I made, so that I can avoid being in this position again to the best of my ability:
- I decided that I am going to be more cognizant of the type of people that I call a friend or allow to place a title of friendship on me that they do not withhold.
- I am going to take my time when it comes to entering a relationship and be sure to find out all that I need to know about a person, their current situations, their past situations, and who they are.
- I will not allow myself to become a crutch for anyone in a friendship or relationship. If it is only serving them, then it is not mutualistic; it is parasitic.
- I will continue therapy because it is good to have an objective and sober view on how I am navigating life to ensure I’m making the right choices.
- I will choose ME. Self-preservation is necessary. If it is not
God’s bestfor me, then I won’t settle for it.
- I will mourn, forgive, and move on.
- I will allow myself the time needed to heal so that I can always move from brokenness to wholeness.
- Anything and anyone that steals my peace and joy will be eliminated.
- I will not allow others to make me lose sight of myself or my goals.
- I will not forget God. He is my source, my strength, my protection, my peace, my solid rock, the mender of my heart, and my first love
Lessons Learned in 2019 Thus Far
I learned a lot during the first quarter of 2019. I do believe that there comes a point in everyone’s life where we lose sight of ourselves, which in turn causes us to rediscover the greatness that we are and possess. You have to go through the fire, but still, rise from the ashes like the phoenix. With great power comes great responsibility and I am powerful beyond measure. I’m not 100% yet, but I’m getting there and when you all see all the amazing things that come from this, you will be amazed. Trust me!
Until next time lovies…trust the process, it will yield great reward.