My name is Marliceia and I am an outcast! Before you get the wrong idea about that statement, let me explain. I have never fit in. I mean, even when I tried, I still didn’t fit in. I’ll never forget entering the 2nd grade at as the quiet new girl. It was scary, yet exciting, but little did I know it wouldn’t stay that way for long. By the time I hit 3rd grade, I had my first crush. My best friend Ebony at the time talked me into slipping a note in his locker to let him know, so with sweaty palms and my heart beating faster than a horse at the Kentucky Derby, I slipped it his locker and prayed for a positive response. The next day, I was late to school, and boy was I unprepared for what was about to happen. What was normally a smile and friendly conversation from my new crush was instantly altered. He had a look of beguilement and anger and so did one of his friend’s. Let’s just say it was weeks before he would speak or interact with me again as if he was ashamed that I would like him. I mean, I thought I was great, but I soon found out that, that wasn’t the perception of mean girls and jocks. Basically, I was not a part of the desirable “pretty girl click”. I was plagued with the ugly duckling phase of life. A chubby dark skinned black girl with a big butt, full b cup, glasses wearing tom boy. I guess I was more of a geek than a gawker. As an only child, I had no idea of what it truly meant to be picked on or in this case tormented, but little did I know this was only the beginning.
By fourth grade, a new girl crew alliance had formed and it seemed as though they only had one purpose in life; DESTROY MARLICEIA. From name calling to plotting when they would jump me was their pastime. At times they would be nice just to play a cruel prank and one time I even got a phone call stating that I wouldn’t live to see my 12th birthday. Of course my tenacious mama bear stepped in and well, I’m 33, so I made it. LOL! The crazy part about this all, is I was super quiet and smart. I never bothered anyone. I just wanted to be like everyone else.
Middle school came and I thought my never ending torment was over. New School and mostly new people. Then comes a girl named Phyllis. I thought we’d be great friends. All I could say is finally, another black girl I can get along with. “Not so fast Marliceia, you left your grape vine on the lunch table”, but that’s not mine, it’s Phyllis’, I threw mine in the trash. “Well, Phyllis said it was yours, so throw it away please.” Who knew the first day of school would bring reprimand and being lied on. As life would have it, this type of thing continued. Even the few friends that had come to the same private school as I did would turn against me all because of one lying little heffa. I mean this girl lied so much she probably thought she was telling the truth. She deserved an academy award. Soon I got suspended for fighting and by the 8th grade trip to Washington, I had, had enough. Everything came to head on one night in our hotel room. What began as an argument ended with a fight or semi-fight since I was being held against my will from swinging with all my might to demolish “the devil”. Unfortunately, the only person who got stitches that night was one of the girls in our room who was an innocent bystander and crushed a glass with her elbow trying to move out of the way.
By high school, things changed drastically. I was no longer a tom boy and the first day of school a cute boy noticed me. He would later become my first real boyfriend as I was not allowed to date in any capacity prior to that. I had a little crew, I made varsity volleyball and softball, and strangely enough, I was no longer the awkward black girl just trying to fit it in. I fit, but it wasn’t your typically “fitting in”. I learned to adapt. I could pretty much get along with anyone and being a versatile personality helped in a lot of my achievements. I decided maybe I don’t quite fit in, but who cares about fitting in, when you can be the most accomplished. Now this is where it got tricky because I wasn’t the only smart kid, everyone in this school was deemed to be “smart”. We were a competitive bunch always trying to outdo one another. The pivotal moment of my high school career came when I beat one of the future Valedictorian’s in becoming SGA President. Me, the girl who had been bullied, talked about, and ostracized. Me, the girl who struggled with her confidence, who didn’t know who she was, who never knew how powerful or purposeful her life was, who never had a reason to believe she was beautiful no matter how many times she heard it. Me, the outcast…
As life would have it, things would continually change. There would be a hell of a lot more struggles than sunny days before I really began to come into my own. We’ll get to those stories soon. Needless to say, I finally found my voice and began to know who I was, but not necessarily who I am meant to be.
So, who am I? Oh God…this is not a question that is easily answered. Let me say this, I don’t always know who I am and frankly, I’m at a place in my life where I am okay with that. At 33, I am currently in a re-discovery phase of self. All the things I was so sure about, I’m no longer sure about. All the people I thought would be in my life forever, have faded. New friends have outlived the old ones, and memories have begun to be buried as time moves on. God is shifting things I don’t quite understand and sometimes I even wonder if He still sees me. My faith is ever present, but is yet under construction. There are some things I do know for a fact; God created me intentionally, I have a life-changing purpose, I am destined for greatness, I am beautiful, I am strong, I am intelligent, I am ambitious, I am a go-getter, I am resilient, I am a great friend, I am a lover, and I am unequivocally DIFFERENT from the rest. I WAS NOT MADE TO FIT IN. The cloth I was cut from was one of a kind and I don’t say that in arrogance, I say that because it is a fact. Think about it, can you really fit in, if there is no one and I mean no one else like you. I know what you’re saying, we’re all different. That is true, we all are, but there are typically commonalities that draw us to one another. Let’s just say, I’ve always had enough commonalities that draw people in, but not always enough to keep people around. I think so differently than most. Where I forgive, people hold grudges, where I love hard, people think love is a game. Now, I am by no means perfect and I make mistakes with things, people, and situations just like any other person, but I typically respond differently than most, which can be confusing for some and a game changer for others.
This leads me to my purpose for the birth of LOVE MARLICEIA. I truly believe in the power of self-introspection. I tend to look at my role in things before I blame others, not always, but most of the time. I recently discovered that I don’t love or appreciate myself the way I should. I came to grips with the fact that I haven’t yet grasped my worth in certain arenas, which is why I have settled for less than what I deserve or have allowed myself to remain in abusive or worthless friendships, relationships, groups or circumstances. This is when God spoke to me. He said, “Marliceia, you cannot give the world, what you have not first given yourself”. That along with a life changing lunch conversation with an awe inspiring motivator by the name of, Salaam Green re-directed my focus from all the things I’ve been juggling to simply ME. One of the hardest things we will ever do in life is be honest with ourselves about who we are, how we are perceived, but most of all, how we really perceive ourselves.
This blog is the re-discovery of Marliceia. I have chosen to take you on this journey with me as I write to heal myself, heal and inspire others, and re-discover who I am and who I am meant to be. Love begins within, then and only then can we give it out. I want to love fiercely. I want to live unapologetically. I want to be free and light the fire to free others. I want to be a force to be reckoned with. In order to be all of those amazing things, I must first just BE.
Welcome to my journey to love Marliceia. This will be a true depiction of my life. There will be transparency and vulnerability that most are afraid of and in some ways so am I, but this is a part of my purpose, so here goes everything. We will cover a myriad of things from my travels, adventures, relationships, fashion, beauty, business, and how all of this makes up who I am or who I am to become. Make no mistakes, this is a #POSITIVIBESONLY atmosphere. We have enough negativity in the world already; so hold on for the ride as we experience all that comes with pursing life, love, and happiness. With this journey will come healing. These literary memoires, if you will, will show the lessons I’ve learned and am learning, depict measurable growth, and share my amazing and not so amazing experiences. As I gain wisdom, I will share it with “YOU”, my readers, “my lovies”. Hearing your feedback and getting to interact with you is also a part of this journey as I will receive wisdom from you all in return. I cannot wait for us to grow together and gain so much love for self that we exude the utmost confidence, take life by the horns, and make our marks on the world. After all, we all have a story to tell and the best stories create lasting legacies.
Now, the journey begins…